3 Ways To Love The Neighbor You Hate

Loving your neighbor isn’t always easy.  It’s just plain true.

Our first home was bought with raising a family in mind.  It had a big backyard with a swing set that you could see from the kitchen window. Beyond the swing set was a small creek that was big enough for mischief, but not deep enough to be dangerous. And then beyond the swing set was a huge greenbelt perfect for impromptu football games or pick-baseball games. Our house sat on a cul-de-sac out of the way of traffic, but just a half block from a local park. Sue and I loved our family and we loved that red house.

Then we got new neighbors.

One of our first introductions to the new neighbors was watching the police escort one of them out of the house late at night. A drug bust -- not a great beginning! We got to know them a little better when we had to ask them to please keep their dog on a leash. They were constantly letting their pit bull run loose in the neighborhood; often scaring the kids off the swing set and back inside the house.

They were hard to love neighbors.

You got anyone who lives near you that is really hard to love? They might be too loud and keep you up at night. Maybe your neighbors don’t take care of their lawn and create an eye sore for the whole community. Perhaps they are rude and once yelled at your kids. Or maybe you have very different political views and they love to not only tell you about it but also wave a flag or place a placard where you have to see it everyday! Neighbors can often be hard to love.

And then Jesus comes along and says this is the greatest commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” No other commandment is greater than these.” (Mark 12:30,31)

So, how do you love a neighbor that you hate?

First, remember that love is not a feeling. Love is action. We all have the ability to act in ways that are contrary to our feelings. So the challenge is acting in a way that is consistent with the teaching of Jesus despite how we may feel.  I want to help you act in a loving way even when you are feeling hatred toward that neighbor. In my latest book with Jon Ferguson, BLESS: 5 Everyday Ways To Love Your Neighbor And Change The World we give practical ways to love even the most hard-to-love neighbors.  With that goal in mind, here are three ways to love the neighbor you hate:

Wave

The first gesture of friendship can be a simple wave to say, “Hello.” My friend Kim had a neighbor named Dan that was very difficult to love! When Kim moved in next door to Dan one of the guys helping Kim move accidently drove his car onto Dan’s yard. That was all it took for Dan to decide he hated Kim and that made Dan very hard to love.  

But Kim was determined. Despite not feeling the love, every time he would see Dan he would wave at him and say, “Hi Dan!” At first, Dan responded with a one-finger salute. In time he would only roll his eyes at Kim when he’d wave. Eventually Dan began to wave back at Kim. It took 6 months of waving and saying, “Hi Dan” but Kim and Dan became friends. Not only did they become friends, but their families also became friends.

I Corinthians 10:24 tell us, “No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.” What is the simplest thing you could do to see the good of your neighbor? You may not like your neighbors, but a simple wave “Hello” might be just enough love to give birth to a friendship.

Pray

It was G.K. Chesterton that reminded us, “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.”  The Bible explains the path to loving our enemies when it says in Matthew 5:44 “I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…”

Over the last 8 years I have used what I call the BLESS practices on an almost daily basis. These simple practices are ways to love our neighbor and make up the acrostic B-L-E-S-S. I will list these five everyday ways to love your neighbor, but notice the first one:

B – Begin with prayer

L – Listen

E – Eat

S – Serve

S – Story

Everyday I write the word “BLESS” at the bottom of my journal. Then I write the names of my neighbors (some I like more than others!) and pray for them. Praying for your enemies is what Jesus told us to do. You may not feel the love, but you can act in love by praying for those hard to love neighbors. 

Serve

Last week a big orange moving truck pulled into the driveway next door, signaling that our new neighbors had just arrived. It’s the house on your right as you face our home.  I don’t know if they will be people I like or people who get under my skin – that is how it is with neighbors.

If they turn out to be hard to love, the Bible offers a rather interesting challenge: “If your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:20-21) The phrase “heap burning coals on their heads” leave us in the twentieth century with the uncomfortable image of hot charcoal being dumped on our enemy’s head. Is that right? Not at all.

Doris Jancha offers first century explanation, “It was the custom back then to have a fire in their home in a stove. This is the fire they would use for heating the house and for cooking their food. It was normally kept constantly burning. However, on occasion, for whatever reason the fire would go out, and when that happened a member of the family would take the stove to a neighbor or friend and ask for live coals of fire to be placed in the stove. They would then use these live coals to get their fire going again. Once the burning coals were placed in the stove the family member would then lift the stove onto their head as was the custom of the day and walk back home. Sometimes others seeing the need would also put burning coals in the stove as they returned. In this way they would help their neighbor by literally ‘heaping coals of fire on their head.’” When we understand this, we clearly see the reference is not a punishment, but rather challenge to serve and help your neighbor.

So, what if you decided to love your neighbor by raking their leaves, mowing their lawn or shoveling their snow? What if you served them by taking over a treat or surprising them with a gift? Serving is a great way to express love even when you feel hate.

Got a neighbor you really don’t like? You probably do. Loving your neighbors isn’t always easy. But it is something you can do. And it can start with a wave or a prayer or a simple act of service.